And so I repeat. No one understands me. No one gets me.

“You sit at home, every day alone. You have no friends. I’ve never met another teenage girl like you. You’re a loser. With no friends. Because you can’t talk to them. You don’t smile, you stare at the ground.”

“You don’t get it! It might be easy for you, but it’s not for me. I’m not you. I have some kind of social anxiety and you’re tearing me down for it?”

No one fucking gets it. I can’t just “make friends.” Yeah, it may come easy for most people. But I am not most people. I can’t. It’s very very hard for me. I’m too afraid. No one fucking understands that. I try to explain. I want to be normal. But it’s hard. Just stop, okay? It clearly doesn’t make things better.

I don’t feel well right now. Emotionally. I feel like i shouldn’t even be alive. What’s the point of being alive if you’re not even living?

I want to run away.

Waiting for the day when I no longer have to pretend. Will I ever let words flow freely out of my mouth. My attempts are sad. The feeling of my stomach curling up and my mouth going dry. I’m not even upside down but the feeling of blood rushing to my head occurs. The pressure to say a few words is overwhelming. Nobody understands. They think it’s easy. They don’t understand why I do this and just give me odd looks. What’s easy for you might be hard for someone else. I really wish I could explain, but I’m unable to. There really is nothing you can do to make people understand you. I don’t do this to be different, it happens on it’s own. If I had one wish, it would be to loose the feeling of pressure I feel when having a simple conversation. I have some kind of social anxiety. I’m looked down upon for it. I can’t make friends because of it. I can’t communicate. I’m going to be looked at as weird for the rest of my life if I can’t carry a simple conversation. I know I do have so much to say. But my mind goes blank when asked simple questions. I think it’s because I’m nervous. I don’t want others to think my simple responses are weird. I don’t want them to judge me. What will I be like after high school? Will I still be hiding from the world. Hiding who I want to be. It makes me seem as if I am against being social and being happy. It ruins my chances of everything. Meeting new people, meeting boys, etc. I want to feel no pressure. I know I was sent to do something on this earth. I know I have some kind of talent, somewhere. Even if I haven’t found it yet. How am I going to get anywhere, be anyone, do anything.. Being the way I am. I wish I could be different. I wish I could change. I wish I could change to make my family proud. To make my friends proud. I wish I could change to make myself proud But I know deep inside that I’m always going to stay this way. I’m always going to be hiding behind my shell..not speaking..missing opportunities. No one wants me around. What do i have to contribute? I’ve already messed up some of the most important years of my life because of it. And that is what is going to haunt me years from now.

I feel like I’m going to be sick. I knew it. I knew this wasn’t going to work. That’s why I was so nervous. I knew.

Their was no connection. You weren’t my type. This is why I don’t start things over “text” You don’t know the person. We jumped into it when we are clearly not meant to be in a relationship together. It was one of the awkwardest nights of my life.

When you texted me, asking to hang out again..I felt horrible. I really didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Knowing that I did was one of the worst feelings in the world. I just couldn’t continue something that wasn’t right. I feel like the biggest asshole. I mean we weren’t actually dating, but I lead you on. Big time.

I feel selfish for saying this, especially at this time. But. I feel like I’m never going to date anyone ever again. At least until I graduate. That means this upcoming junior year and senior year..I will stay single. I’m not right for anyone. I don’t click with anyone. That kills me. I see all my friends having a good time with their boyfriends and being in silly love. I want that. Why can’t I have that.